I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
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I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”