I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
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H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.