i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
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There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
smh
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor