Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
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therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*