All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
You Might Also Like
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity