Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
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A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Unimpressed
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long