I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
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I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale