If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
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I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!