Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
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her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.