High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
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Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Life with a cat in one tweet
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.