I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
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Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.