Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
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Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Somebody’s lying.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Ghost costume 😂
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears