WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
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Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!