PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
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Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Challenge accepted.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle