Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
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Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.