R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
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What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Previously On Persistence 😎
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing