Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
You Might Also Like
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Meow
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.