“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
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There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
I think I’ll stand
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.