apparently this year was written by stephen king
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I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
excuse me
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50