me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
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“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future