The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
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Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over