Shower sex be like:
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Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Barbie gone wild
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.