Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
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You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.