Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
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Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?