Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
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I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
This is hilarious….
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?