Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
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I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
I need this for my side hustle.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.