I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
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Ha.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
there has never been a better use of this meme
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…