*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
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Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient