Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
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I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy