A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
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How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
selena gomez
What a kind woman! 😂😂
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.