I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
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A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”