Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
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Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.