If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
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Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?