[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
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I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant