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Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
I know
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition