I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
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There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong