I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
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not to brag, but mine was free
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Remember folks 😂
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration