Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
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Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.