ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
You Might Also Like
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?