What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
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Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Is your wife single?
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?