“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
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Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”