Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
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No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.