I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
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Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.