Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
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I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Breaking news:
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.