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*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
huge if true: the moon