I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
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My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*