*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
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Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.