Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
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age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
My plans: 2020:
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently