Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
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[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.