63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
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If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
My dating profile:
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER